STOP ASPHYXIATING ME

On the horrors of fabric softener and dryer sheets

This is a public service announcement. A PSA. I’m not going to bother with numbers, charts, data, scientific evidence. No need. Even without the rationale, it’s a serious message and one I promised myself I’d publish, as I lay there in the middle of the night, gasping for clean air. Miserable in my Airbnb bed, smothered by Downy and Bounce and God-knows-what-other toxic fumes wafting from pillow and sheets. For those who have a sense of smell, it’s disgusting.

Let’s simplify that: for those who have sense, period.

People, c’mon. (Not you, of course – I’m addressing those other folks.) Why are you doing this? The use of most scented detergents on the market is bad enough without adding toxic extra to your laundering.¹

Did you ever see the 1981 sci-fi comedy The Incredible Shrinking Woman starring the phenomenal Lily Tomlin? At the age of ten, watching that little film made a big impression on me. To simplify the plot (which I’m sure to bastardize here), housewife Tomlin shrinks to the size of a tiny pixie after dwelling for years in a home filled with the chemical promises of Dupont, Clorox, J & J and Co. à la post-WWII domestic onslaught. These corps had to use all that industrial magic somewhere, right?

In the film, Lily has mastered the art of wifedom, keeping a spotless home and perfect family life, eating foods with all kinds of additives to boot, poisoning herself in the process. So much so, she disappears into a pea-sized version of herself. Her husband, played by the fabulous Charles Grodin, must construct a special, miniature dollhouse (Ibsen, anyone?) for his wife to live in. Her children watch on, her dog tries to devour her.

“He called me his little doll, and he played with me just the way I played with my dolls.” ~ Wife Nora in Henrik Ibsen’s The Doll’s House (1879)

As mentioned, Tomlin’s fab comedic performance influenced me back in the day. Throughout my life, I’ve tried to minimize unnecessary use of toxic cleaning products. Yet, I travel a lot, and am subject to others’ ideas of what is necessary. I usually bring one of my own pillowcases, just in case. But I forgot last week, and as I lay there gagging from dryer sheet contamination, sleepless in the middle of the night, wondering again, “WHY? WHY?” I thought to inquire: you tell me, Substack readers. Why would one poison their clothes and linens and very selves with this most unnecessary crap?

It’s a great topic of discussion overall, isn’t it. Perhaps piggybacking, we could throw in the same towel (har-har) on the subject of scented candles, car air fresheners (ever rent a car and want to ralph the first hundred miles?), and drenching oneself with so much perfume or cologne that the entire family, the entire office, the entire world not only smells it, but wears it – and can taste it whilst eating lunch.

Okay, but let’s start simple here. Basic. Obvious. Forego the fabric softener, ditch the dryer sheets. Your body, brain, and world will love you for it.

And anyone hosting others – inns, Airbnb hosts, hotels, grandmas – no more! Stop asphyxiating us.

Thank you.

Photo by Annie Spratt on Unsplash

1. And my God – have you really ever thought about the residue mainstream dishwasher detergents like Cascade leave on your forks and glasses? Sensitive ones can taste it. It’s like washing your mouth out with soap. This takes the Valley Girl snark of “Gag me with a spoon” to a whole new level of accuracy. Fer sure!

After many trials, I found a non-toxic dishwasher powder that works even better than popular brands. It’s so good, I tell all my friends about it. Let me know if you want to know the brand. Meantime, here’s Lily Tomlin falling into the sink garbage disposal.